How to Lighten Your Load

Today is the day after Labor Day and I’m already feeling this rush of energy and a sudden drive to get things done. I’m thinking about how to maximize my productivity this week and fit in grocery shopping, meal planning, exercise, laundry, marketing my practice, and putting away summer things as I come to terms with welcoming fall. I often find myself thinking that there is not enough time in a week to get everything done. I hear my clients echo this sentiment frequently too. To avoid becoming overwhelmed with a rigid to-do list, I will approach this week with patience. I will be realistic with my goals and prioritize the necessary tasks first so I don’t assign the same level of importance or urgency to everything I would like to get done. It will feel good to put away my beach towel and bathing suits, but I can also wait another week to do that.

The women that come to my practice always feel overwhelmed. They have a never ending to-do list and alternate between putting out fires and trying to fireproof in advance to prevent catastrophes. But what happens when catastrophic thinking casts a shadow over their entire life? When there is an automatic sense of urgency assigned to every chore and a want feels no different than a non-negotiable need, burnout is inevitable. The stakes can feel high for perfectionists: they might know they don’t need‍ ‍to put out their fall decorations this week, but they feel like a failure if they don’t. They invite guests over and agonize about someone judging the near-invisible dust on their baseboards. They fuel the inner critic and maintain a monologue of negative core beliefs because they can’t perform at 120% every single day. They are irritable and frustrated with themselves because they know they need a break, but the anxiety around doing less instead of more can feel like a real threat to their identity and lifestyle.

I’m tired just thinking about the emotional weight that the women I work with carry. And it’s not their fault. In my opinion, the need to achieve and perform perfectly always serves a purpose. It can look like punishment to others who don’t operate in the same way, but I always try to uncover what’s underneath. Some adults only get acknowledgement from their family when they have something tangible to show off. Success can feel synonymous with safety, fitting in, and getting it right. Praise feels as necessary as water. For these women, it’s not enough to simply try hard and do their best. You may feel called out reading this. Trust me, it helps to feel seen. Sorry and you’re welcome!

My clients come to me looking for answers. It’s not always enough to feel a feeling; the questions of “How do I actually change?” and “What can I do differently?” follow immediately behind the moment of reflection. I empathize and offer compassion and validate how tough it must be, and then I start to plant the seeds of possible solutions. I review the constant cycle of achieving a task, briefly basking in the satisfaction, and then moving on to the next thing without even taking a bathroom break. We go through the potential outcomes of pushing a soft deadline back a few days or not getting something on the list finished. I ask my client to pull up their calendar(s) and find blocks of time where they go through their emails, have a meal, or even set a reminder to stretch for 30 seconds to give their body a little reset. We look for tasks that can be completed without being perfect or parts of a task that can be delayed, like ironing clothes the next night instead of immediately after the dryer is done. When I’ve worked with someone for a long time, we typically have the rapport in our relationship where I can challenge them. I push back against the notion that they must have a fresh floral arrangement each week in the back of their zoom calls to impress their colleagues. I remind them that the adults in their life don’t evaluate their worthiness like their critical parents did. I agree that being a mother in any capacity will likely bring the invisible weight of unequal labor they do in their family. I sit with the anger that my clients experience towards the pressure of being a working woman who has time to be social and take care of themselves and everyone else in their life. I remind them to unclench their fists and relax their jaw.

For some people, focusing on the end goal can be more efficient than fixating on the process. Can you swallow your pride about getting things done without any help from others if it means you can outsource some burdens to lighten your load? If you are someone who winces at the idea of progress over perfection, you might see asking for help or accepting something as good enough to be cutting corners. The voice inside of your head that might not actually be your own voice will scream that you’re lazy, you should be able to do this, and you’re a failure. You may not be able to stop this voice entirely, but you will need to fight back. What is this all for? In your personal life, who besides yourself is analyzing how hard you work? Why do you think you get a badge of honor or bragging rights for being the most exhausted and stressed person in the room? The reluctant agreement to make a change might only come after several conversations about life being unfair, but it’s a significant step in the right direction. I tell my clients that they don’t have to settle for less. They don’t have to dial down their ambition or stop setting goals. They just need to start to lighten their load so they can actually enjoy the work they put in for the things that matter the most. If you don’t have any time for yourself between being a mother and a partner, think about how you get to keep those roles with one less thing on your plate for just one weekend. If you can’t set many boundaries at work because of the intense nature of your job and the company culture, appreciate not having cell service in the subway for a few moments. Let yourself take a bathroom break without being on your phone. Fill your water bottle right now, or as soon as you finish reading this post. Let your clothes stay wrinkled until you need them. Clean the messiest parts of your apartment without doing a floor to ceiling scrubbing.

I have so many thoughts and theories about women who identify as perfectionists and struggle to do less, so I could talk about this topic for hours. And I really do. I sometimes talk about these themes every hour, every week, for the better part of a year before a client feels ready or able to make a change. Perfectionism isn’t just something you can think your way out of. We need to address the roots of your identity, your relationship to failure, and consider who else in your life has influenced these patterns. I am hopeful that you feel encouraged to lighten your load in some way after reading this.