The Quarter Life Crisis

I often have an “aha” moment when I’m on a consultation call with a prospective new client. For me, case conceptualization begins at the first point of contact during my introductory call to assess the needs of someone who’s interested in working with me. I love when a client shares one piece of information that makes everything click, and I hear the relief in their voice when I tell them that they are making perfect sense to me. I work with a lot of students and young adults, so I frequently receive messages that share a general blurb about navigating relationship troubles and work stress. I often find those presenting problems to be the tip of the iceberg, with so much more beneath the surface.

Here’s an example of what I hear frequently during consultation calls. The client will say “I’m in a period of my life where I’m starting to question everything and I feel like I need change. My friendships are feeling different now than they did before, I’m unsure about the longevity of my relationship and the future with my partner, and I feel stagnant at work but I’m not sure what to do next. I’m a few years out of college, trying to figure this all out in my mid-twenties”. The last part of that sentence pulls it all together for me. I like to reflect back their concerns in their own words to demonstrate active listening and understanding, then I pose this question: “Have you heard of the quarter life crisis”? Often they have not, but will then say that it describes their issues perfectly. They’re too old to not know what to do with their life, but too young to have lived half a life filled with vast work experience. They live in a state of limbo, and the uncertainty leads to an existential crisis.

So, how does one work through this type of crisis? As a therapist, I seek clarity from my clients who share these concerns. I ask about professional values and work backwards to rule out what they would never want to do for a living. Then I try to uncover more layers to learn what is really important to them. Do they need to be passionate about their work? Do they want to make as much money as possible? What did their parents unintentionally teach them about choosing a career? Simply validating that they didn’t know what major to choose when starting college or that they feel worried about making decisions now for the rest of their future goes a long way. I also find validation to be necessary for the difficulty that comes with adjusting to a full-time job and having different responsibilities than they did when they were in school. Work can feel all-consuming as a young adult. I remember feeling like there was competition amongst my peers when I first graduated college, and we would brag about how stressed we were or compare whose work day was longer. American society emphasizes capitalism and productivity, which can be a contagious mindset for ambitious young people who feel eager to make their mark on the world.

Outside of work, relationship troubles are also common in this period of transition. Relationships feel different when everyone leaves their shared college campus, and many people feel the whiplash of watching some friends get engaged and married while others are starting over. I encourage my clients to make room for grief during this time. Friendships feel harder to maintain with distance and different schedules. Meeting new people in a different town or city is daunting. You may have envisioned one lifestyle and path for yourself, then things change and you question it all without finding many answers. Grief from natural transitions becomes paired with the ambiguity of the process of change that no one is really talking about. You might exchange updates with your friends and talk about how much you miss them, but how often does that lead to a conversation about what comes next? How do you decide when your best friend is demoted to a friend and you grow further apart? How do you cope with the sadness and rejection you feel when deciding that some of your friends were just around due to convenience? What about unfollowing your situationship or acquaintance on Instagram if you no longer care to see their life updates?

School curriculum does not typically teach practical life skills or impart wisdom that comes with age, leaving students feeling fragile and unequipped to emerge into the “real world”. Because of this, I ask my clients and other young adults to look for unconventional teachers in their life. How have their older siblings modeled creating a work-life balance? How might their former mentors have influenced their decision making about their career choice? What do they need to learn, and how can they seek answers? I believe that a lot of these answers will come with age and experience. Fortunately and not, we can’t rush the process of a lived experience. We can’t look at someone who had it all figured out from an early age and decide to follow their exact path. We don’t always know when something is the wrong fit until we’re in it. There is no way to predict the future and learn what decision will turn into a regret or a mistake.

If I could create an emotional first-aid kit for recent graduates, it would have a healthy dose of compassion that never runs out. There would also be patience to soothe the agony of a slow-moving transitional period. It would offer validation and agreement that this phase of life is extremely tough, paired with a gentle nudge to keep showing up and tending to responsibilities. Statements would be etched into the kit to remind those who use it that this is temporary, it won’t always be this difficult, and support exists for a reason.

If you feel anxious about not having it all figured out, you’re not alone. Therapy can help you make meaning of this time in your life and can help you find steady footing while so many other things are changing. Commiserating with friends is also helpful. Can you connect with others in the real world more and consume less content that makes you feel worse about your current circumstances? I wish that hating your first job out of school and crying because you miss when life was easier were not such common experiences, but I’ve been there and I am relieved to be far on the other side. You worked hard for this. You can make meaning of these growing pains and trust that life will eventually settle. In your early to mid twenties, you’ll come to find that this is just the beginning and there is so much more life to live. Take what you need from this post and give yourself grace as you keep trying to figure things out.